How to successfully get arrested in Berlin

Ever wondered how a German police station looks like but never been able to see one?
You're in luck!
I will give you some tips how you would be able to.

1) Take the U-bahn/S-bahn.
Be sure to go seven or more stops during rush hour, and pass at least one of the big stations like Alexanderplatz, Haupbahnhof etc. 

2) Get caught.
What, you "forgot" to buy a ticket?
If you're riding like described above the chances are pretty high that you get controlled.
When the controllers are on the train (to late for you to get off) you can either try to walk to the closest door or relax where you are. You will be caught if you're not super smooth. (you're not!)

3) When caught: speak (fast) English even if you know fluent German.
The controllers English is bad. The faster you speak, the better.

4) You got away by claiming you're a tourist?
Wrong. Here is what you do: don't show ID. Better even, don't carry ID.
When asked for it, fake look through your wallet reveling German bankcards and other cards that show that you're not a tourist.
Refuse to give one of these cards to the controllers and claim that they have no right to see them. 

5) Now you have probably come to the part when they threaten to call the police. Here you have to wish to your lucky star that the controllers are crazy enough to actually call the police, and not use this line as a simple threat.

6) Done all right so far?
It will not be long before the police will be there. Remember that even if you feel stressed and want to change your mind to giving the controllers a form of identification - this will not help. Stay cool. Argue a bit more on fast English about the right to personal integrity and so on.

7) The police comes.
Continue arguing. The police will not like that you're not carrying an ID. They will ask you a lot of questions. Try not to answer any of them or don't understand what they say. The chance that they speak (good) English are slim. If you break and tell the police your name and date of birth, still refuse to give them your address. 
After this they might yell: We are the Bundespolize in Germany! and demand that you come with them to the police station.

8) The time has come.
You're have annoyed the them enough to get police transport to the police station. Police brutality, in one way or another might happened on the way to the car too.
If you're a women the chances are that they put you in a tiled room with no windows, on a tiled bench with a mattress at a backrest  while you wait for a female police to search through your belongings. Your bag, your jacket, your pockets... searching for ID.

9) Done.
You have now seen the inside of a German police station. You now know how bad the police are. Before you're allowed to leave, you might have to sign a document or two that you understood that you broke the law by not having an ID. This might end with a court date or a bigger fine then the one for just riding the train without a ticket.

Jokes aside though...
I wrote this the day after this happened to me. I was angry, sad and felt stupid at the same time. It was not a great start of the week. I spent more then an hour with the police. Not really worth it but I still believe that I should not have to show ID as a part of personal integrity. This will not change.
I do understand that I have done something wrong and that I did push my luck to much.
I've never been a big fan of the police and this experience didn't change that. Doesn't the police have other more imported thing to do then catch someone riding schwarz on the train?

When all this was in action my mum called. I sometimes think she has a mum-dar, knowing when her children are in need of help. I had a big break down on the phone with her, mostly because I made her worry about me. I felt so angry, sad and helpless which is not at all as I usually feel. She tried to calm me down, with so-so success. I talked loud about the right to be anonymous and I could hear her wanting to understand but not really understanding. But most I heard her worry about her being far away from me. So I cried.

It's been a week now and I have moved on. Was this a good thing I did? No. 
But I am glad that I stuck to my convictions. I know that I can keep my cool better then I ever thought too.

Let's not end this on a sad note. Here is a baby hippo to make everything at least feel a little better: