An other week gone by.

This week has passed by in a flash. Many things are staring to happening here.

Let me start in the right order, what happened since Monday?

The weekdays went by quite fast. Tuesday was just a slow day with Amina and Wednesday was a nice night at Frieder's with dinner at his place, the original five, before we all headed to the couchsurfing meeting in X-berg. Some drama played out that night, but still a great night.

Thursday was I day I just had coffee and applied for crazy many jobs.

Original five.

Then the weekend came.

Friday night was all ready planed, but the day stated out with waking up after a great sleep in F'hain, in Sinead's place. Smooth was also there and we decided to head to the Turkish market and buy food, vegetables like tomatoes, spinach, champions and just much food to cook a lovely lunch with. The Turkish market is ever Tuesday and Friday close to the u-bahn station Kottbuser Tor and there is a lot of fruits and vegetables mostly for little money. I think we got home with about 6kg of food heading home from there.

Lunch was amazing then off course, and I felt the vegan power and almost overate me on it.

Smooth and I then had plans to meet with Amina, to again cook at her place in Fredischstrasse, Mitte. We brought with us wine and hung out. The plan was that after dinner have a nice night in Smooth trailer. Just chilling. That didn't happened though. Berlin had other plans for us.

Sinead wrote and said she was at our favorite gay bar in F'hain and we where on our way there minutes later to meet up with her and a new friend, Lena.

We drank some beers, got some pizza and headed to a club in walking distance from where we where to go to a dubstep club.

I'm not a big fan of dubstep (video) but tagged along and danced like crazy to some band I don't remember and also a lot with Amina (she now loves dubstep). When the time hit morning I got tried and took myself to

Smooth wagon, made a fire but could not seem to keep warm and just feel asleep with Amina and Smooth got home.

Saturday felt like a lazy day and after a fire was made in the wagon when we woke up, the cat was feed and all was good again we feel back asleep. Amina and I headed home in the afternoon. She said that I could stay with her so I got my overnight bag and headed to Mitte. We where crazy tried. Amina had plans to hang out with a friend but she just wanted to sleep. I had no plans and thought I would just have a n

ice night in. What I think I'm going to do never seem to happen though. Mark, also known as besti, called and wanted that I should come with him to the long night of museums, but I denied and made plans to see Asaf, my hew-bro that I haven't seen in a long time. After trying to decided something together and failing I made the decision that we should meet at a bar in Mitte some hours later to catch up.

Amina has awesome room mates that make you feel at home the moment you meet them. So I hung out with them in the living room and talked a lot until it was time to meet Asaf.

Me and Asaf.

We talked and talked about everything. We laughed and laughed. I like Asaf a lot and he is an awesome friend to have. It's a shame that we don't see each other more, which we both said that we should get better at. We all ready have plans to meet two times this week and it makes me happy just to think about it.

Amina and her room mate Korbi showed up later that night and we laughed even more trying to teach Korbi Swedish and singing Swedish snapsvisor. It was another of those awesome nights in Berlin I will remember. The best of times.

I think I can skip Sunday for it was a very uneventful day. I was in Smooth wagon with her and Robyn just chilling out and spent the night mostly applied for jobs and feel a sleep early.

Monday was awesome. I have so many great nights and days here that I really feel like I have to be here in Berlin. I love it so much and I can't stop smiling as I walk around thinking about all the memories I have made in this city.

I need to be here. I really think I do.

I was woken up Monday morning by my phone ringing. On the other side a man talking super fast in German about an au-pair job I applied for the night before. He wanted to meet with me for a coffee a couple of hours later and see how we would get a long and so on. See if I was suited for the job, which I really am with more then two years experiences working with children. He is a young dad, just a couple years older then I am. We got along well (I'm going to meet his wife and children on Sunday) and I felt good about that day so I went after a language school and enrolled to take German classes that stats next Monday, the 6th of February.

I meet up with Smooth and went to a mall. We had a lot of fun trying on wigs and eating froyo/ice cream. We cooked in Amina's place and headed to the Monday couchsurfing meeting just a couple blocks away.

That night was to awesome to be put down in words. I don't even know where to begin.

I mostly hung out with people I already know and at the end me and four others when to another bar to play Never have I ever and I laughed so much and can't help laughing just thinking about it.

God, I love Berlin. I want to stay here. I just love it to much to leave.

My Berlin in pictures.

I love it here!

Sunday & Monday.

Sunday night I spent with the gang, the original five as Sinead calls us (see this post) in Schöneberg. It was a kind of farewell party for Kurt that is leaving Berlin to see other parts of the world and travel on. We played cards and just talked until the wee hours. It was a really nice night just hanging out a last time.

I slept in Smooth trailer again and woke up all cold after just a few hours sleep. The only thing that is a minus about the trailer is that when the fire in the oven goes out it gets so cold. I got up and made a new fire to keep warm and went back to sleep. Half the day Monday I spent with Smooth in the trailer.

I was pretty tried and thought that I should sleep some more but that didn't happen.

Mondays there is a couchsurfing meeting in Mitte, language exchange. You go there to practice languages you're learning or just want to get better at. Or just hang out and mingle with the other couchsurfers that are there. It's a nice Monday hang out that I try to go to as often as I can. To speak some German and I also always have my fingers crossed that I will meet someone from Finland or someone that knows Finnish so I get to speak it. The later (almost) never happens.

My friend Amina also invited me to come and meet her and some friends of hers at a bar in Neukölln.

As I stood waiting for the tram, one going to the couchsurfing meeting and the other to Amina, I decided to meet up with Amina. A decision that I'm so glad that I made.

Amina was there with her roomie Korbi and we talked a lot in German.

I don't know if it comes a cross in this blog that I do speak German and I would say in a okay level that I can talk about most things in German, but I hang out with friends that aren't at that good in German so I speak English quite a lot. Last night I think I just spoke a sentence or two in English. I also found a Finn! And spoke Finnish! I was so happy when that happened. Screw language exchange for finding Finnish people apparently.

The bar was full of people and we sat at the end of a table and it was hard going somewhere because of all the people so Amina spills out a beer on the other ones at our table. This was probably where the night just got better. Amina disappears for some time and comes back with shots to everyone, which is the best ice breaker and we start talking. We apparently have found a group of translators and talk with them for a long time. We sang Swedish songs and mingle around. I had a blast and my German was flowing good so I felt totally comfortable to chit chat about anything.

When the night got late I took Amina home and slept next to her in Friedrichstrasse (the same apartment I spent my first three weeks in Berlin in).

Walking up midday, I read until Amina woke up and we went to get some food and then had a long breakfast while we talked about the night before and laughed a lot. We looked at pictures for not only the night before but nights and days in Berlin that we spent together and laughed all the time. There are so many memories in Berlin so far and I just can't wait to make more. Today I had the biggest smile all day, almost Cheshire cat grinning the whole day. I love it here and I want to stay in this city.

Shyness.

I talked a bit about relationships today. About being in love and such. And that I like someone so much but have not been able to show it even if so much time has passed.

Well, the conversation that describes this best is this.

Friend 1 - When you meet Jenny, you wouldn't think she's shy, but she is when it comes to him.

Friend 2 - Yeah, you like this guy to much so you're to afraid of doing anything. I will come the next night and help you out.

During this time, the conversation goes on with the two friends talking about me but not really to me, I blush just thinking about this guy.

Gosh, I'm so shy when it comes to this, and I don't think so many of my friends would really expect it from me since I'm quite forward. But god his is attractive in so many way.

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Updated.

Note to self after this blog post: Do not drunkenly blog. It's not okay.

Grown up points.

In Sweden we talk about Grown up points (vuxenpoäng) that you get when you do something grown up, like buying a house, full time employment, marrying, having heaps of loans, saving money for when you get old and so on.

As you probably know, I have very few grown up points. I do have heaps of student loans, but no permanent home or employment and such. I still feel like a 10 year old at times. I want someone to take care of me and cook my food at times and take all the responsibilitys that an adult has. I also have an extension span of a child.

Yesterday happened something that shows how I'm more like a child then an adult. The other day I got some soap-bubbles in a toy store. I have always liked blowing bubbles outside just while walking and I done it more since I moved from home. Just spreading bubbles into the world and (usually) people become happy when they see bubbles. Even inside a bar. Trust me, I've tried.

So I was walking down the street on the way to a bar where I was going to meet with some friends. I'm so excited that I have bubbles again so I blow many as I walk. I stop looking at anything else then the bubbles and there is a big stone on the street that I fall over.

It most have looked very funny, me spilling all the soap on the street, my blue dress flying in the wind as I fall and my chocked look at my face. I fall and can't really get up for some seconds.

Sinead, Smooth and Robyn are there and they help me up. I've hurt my lip and hands, I tell them and we walk to the bar me just a bit bruised. I later feel that my knees are hurting and wash them off to see big blue bruises on them. Not that cool.

So a lesson to all you kinds out there: Blowing soup-bubbles can be dangerous!

Look where you're walking while you do it or have someone responsible to look on the streets for you.

I will try to follow my own advice because I will get new bubbles.

I'm not so grown up just because I'm 25.

The nights I will remember.

I woke up today next to Smooth and Sinead with a smile on my face.

My dreams had been great and even though it is a bit tight to sleep three in the same bed, I got some hours sleep.

The smile on my face was from yesterday that was a great night.

Cooking and eating a lot home at Sinead's afterwards heading to Neukölln to celebrate a new friends birthday with some mutual friends. A nice little bar at Sonnenallee that I've been to several times and like.

It was nice talking with people and also we got free beer because they had some beer promotion there. Extra plus.

When the grown up fulltime worker and birthday boy went home, we headed to the couch surfing meeting just some blocks away. It wasn't that many meeting member but a nice crowed and I talked mostly to people I all ready know.

Talked about book and history, about ice skating and English pronunciation.

Yes, I'm from Sweden so I apparently can't pronounce J or G and the right English way and hear that a lot with native English speakers specially. A got a bit touchy about that which is not really like me, so in retrospect I feel a bit dumb about that.

I had a great time and laughed a lot. These are the nights I will remember about Berlin when I'm old an grey (well I will be old and white but that doesn't sound good, does it?) and that's why I kept smiling all day and talked about all that we talked about and all that happened when Sinead and Smooth woke up.

I'm going to get a veggi döner now and keep on smiling.

Kissing.

Last Friday I was hanging out Smooth's German class at a bar in Prenzlauer Berg. Her class consists most of Spanish speakers so getting introduced to them involved a lot of cheek kisses. Something I been getting more used to during the last year, but since then I stated thinking about kisses.

I'm getting better at showing affection. Specially since I came to Berlin. And I kiss more then I did before.

Just to show affection to people I really like. An example is Sinead and my relationship. Good friends that hang out a lot and we kiss or at least peck each other some time a day. Just to show that we like each other.

I do this with other friends as well and I take very loosely on kissing. Get me right here, there is for me the showing affection kisses and the more romantic kisses.

Affection kisses can be kisses on the head or pecks on the mouth or similar. People that I really love mostly get this kisses on their mouth and some tongue can sometime be introduced with friends, not making out, at least not for me, romantic.

Robyn kissing me.

The thing that can annoy me about kissing, as a girl, is that it's socially excepted to kiss other girls. I know boys that think their girlfriends can kiss or make out with any girl without in being cheating (when it comes to monogamous relationships) just because it's not really kissing and because they find it hot when girls kiss.

There's probably girls who think it's okay that their boyfriends kiss other boys, but no one that I met.

I really don't think it's much stranger kissing a girl or a boy for affection reasons, but it's considered different. Because I'm a she that does not define myself as a lesbian, kissing a boy most mean that I want to have sex with him or some other sort of relationship. I feel sometimes that it's almost impossible to have kissable male friends without having to answer the question: Is he your boyfriend?

This is getting a bit old. Why is no one asking if Sinead is my girlfriend?

Smooth and I have been taken as a couple at times and somehow that feels good when that happen, because the hetero normality is not there. But this not happen that often.

I stated this post three times, so now I will just let it be as it is. I tried to write this so that it would make sense but you be the judge.

I can rant about sexuality, queer, relationships and hetero normality for ages, more then many would like to read in a blog post. And I'm sorry about this not being my best post, but I wanted to write about kissing but the words don't tend to transfer from my mind to my fingers on the keyboard. Maybe this just came out because I think much about love and queer among other things so my thought aren't really gathered.

I might try to write a equal post some other time.

Moving around.

Since I no longer have a place of my own to stay in I have started to move around.

I have written about that I stayed at Sineads and I still do from time to time. Fredrichshain feel like home in so many ways and I like staying there, even if three people in the same room might be a little to much at time.

Trailer photo.

I asked Smooth if I could use her wagon/trailer when she was away, and I did for three days.

Living there is making a fire so you keep warm, getting wood and water and just having a lot of time to read/write or whatever you would like to do. Every morning I made instead coffee in a teapot in the little gas stove that is in the wagon. I smelled like fire/camping all the time and my hands and fingers where constantly black from making fires and cleaning the oven. I wore "trailer clothes", that was a pair of Smooth's jeans (me who never wears jeans else) and a T-shirt. Those clothes smell like kindle and wood that I have noticed more since I came back to the man-village that is "normal" life in an apartment, with shower and all that.

The cat, Hookes, (and Robyn) in the wagon.

There is also a cat there and I really liked it there. A lot of quiet time that I needed.

I also had friends over there one night and had a great time. That place is really cozy.

It is hard to explain the wagon, how it looks and how you feel spending time there. It has to be seen and you have be in it to understand it.

I was back at Sineads for a night and re-packed my overnight bag (to call it an overnight bag might not be so corrected because it is a pretty big backpack) and headed to Neukölln. A part of Berlin I really do like and that I also spent a night in about a week ago. My good friend Robyn lives there, but she's now away in Los Angels for a wedding, and said that I could use her room while she is gone. I will probably not stay here all the six days that she is gone, but some nights it will be. It will also be some quiet time since the room mate here doesn't really like that I have people over. I experienced that today when she yelled at me so it's not going to happen again.

I have great friends that offer me a place to stay whenever I want. Even new friends think that it's fine for me to sleep at their couch or on a mattress on the floor. I will try living in other parts of Berlin as well in the time coming. Most likely I will be back at the apartment I had during the first month I was here in Berlin, in Fredrischstrasse. And I hope to spend at least one night in Wedding, a part of town I haven't visited yet.

I want to stay in Berlin and even if I have literary no money. I'm getting myself together, looking for jobs more then before, looking for a language school to take some German course and trying to get my thoughts to make sense again. I hope it will pay off. *fingers crossed*

2012.

Christmas in Sweden passed. New years eve in Berlin.

Short about those events in that Christmas was nice and calm home in a tiny town an hour away from Stockholm with mum, dad and brother. Big sister, big brother and the nieces came by also. A lot of cooking and a lot of food. And a lot of time to read.

Mom at Christmas in Sweden.

New years eve started slow and then we ended up at a couchsurfing pre-party some blocks away from Sinead's place. We watched the fireworks (people where crazy with their fireworks) close to the Warschuer brigde. We walked around looking for a club, found a drum band and danced to them and ended up at a 80's party after some time and had a blast.

Fireworks at new years eve.

Now it's 2012 (year of the Maya apocalyptic )

I have nowhere to live so I'm half permanent with Sinead, in the apartment under mine that I had the past month. I have no idea what I want to do, more then I want to stay in Berlin. This feels like this is the town I should be in. And four month is not enough. Something, I don't know what will happen if I stay, something good. Also I'm really not ready to live in Stockholm or Sweden again.

The other day I sat down and wrote applications in German. I wanted to get it so correct as I can so I concentrated, put my headphones on and listened to (folk metal) music in German and wrote and wrote and also applied for some jobs. I got so in to it that when I looked up it was three a clock and I hadn't eaten anything yet. I'm glad that I did it though and I made a great lunch afterwords. Every day since that day I have applied for jobs.

I also stared looking in to classes in German to get some study money from Sweden. I speak good German and understand good. Writing is a bit hard still and reading takes some time even if I do understand. I talked to a friend about it today, about taking a class, and he was really positive about it, so I feel more sure now that I will read an advanced German class hopefully this month.

I'm going to check out some schools tomorrow and sign up and probably be the worse in the class, since I haven't taken classes in so long. But that will just (hopefully) make me want to get better.

Reading life is good. I had a lot of time to read lately and that feels good.

I haven't written so much though. Maybe because there is to much people all the time and I don't feel space to write. I'm going to spend a day or two in Smooth's trailer in Berlin for some alone time for writing and reading. I feel like I need it.

When I have all figured out, I'm going to find a permanent place to stay at. I feel positive about it and glad that I have friends who let me crash at their place and be supportive to me.
Next time I write here I hope that I at least figured something out. I believe in 2012.